PM Now Advertising For Federal Cabinet Ministers On Seek, Amid Liberal Party Exodus

LABOR SHORTAGE: The federal Liberal Party is on the hunt for fresh faces after losing three senior cabinet ministers in the space of 24 hours. “As we move toward the federal election next year, we need new talent as quickly as possible,” Prime Minister Scott Morrison told DBT. “If you’ve ever considered a career in federal parliament, now is your chance.” In a job ad posted to the online job site Seek, the Liberal Party says it’s looking to employ three new cabinet ministers, to be based at Parliament House in Canberra. ‘While experience is preferred, it’s not essential,’ according…

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Recently Separated Man Devastated He Can’t Keep Things In His Wife’s Handbag Anymore

BURDEN TO CARRY: For the last three years Andrew Prasad has enjoyed keeping his keys, asthma spray and other assorted items in his wife’s handbag. But after separating from her last week, the 31 year old has been left devastated. “Break-ups are never easy,” he says. “There’s obviously going to be an adjustment period. I might even have to buy a bum bag.” In the meantime, he’s been forced to join his single friends who don’t have access to a handbag to keep their belongings in. “I don’t know how other single people do it,” he says. “My pockets are…

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“Let’s Crack Down On FB Trolls,” Says Leader Of Parliament Where 33% Of Staff Are Sexually Harassed

BLAME GAME: One day after revelations that 1 in 3 parliamentary staff are sexually harassed, and 50% bullied, the PM has announced an inquiry into the toxic impacts of social media. “I’ve heard of some disgusting behaviour happening on Facebook at the moment,” says Scott Morrison, even though his own corridors of power play host to horrific bullying and actual rape. The findings of the review into federal parliament workplace culture were released yesterday, but today the PM is conveniently turning his attention to social media trolls. “The tech giants must be held to account,” says the PM, even though…

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Divorce Rates Plummet In Sydney’s East As Cosmetic Clinics Reopen: Report

COUPLE’S GOALS: The reopening of cosmetic clinics in Sydney’s east has triggered a significant drop in the number of couples filing for divorce, according to a new report. The NSW Registry of Births Deaths & Marriages says divorce rates in the area are down more than 61% since the end of lockdown. “During lockdown we both found it hard to be attracted to each other without our regular facials, fillers and tanning treatments,” says one Darling Point husband. “We were about to go to therapy, but then the cosmetic clinics reopened and now we’ve got our spark back!” The NSW…

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Planet Saved After Local Influencer Buys ‘Low Impact Fibre’ Dress From JAG

SUSTAINABLE FASHION: A Sydney influencer has reversed decades of global environmental decline by purchasing a ‘low impact fibre’ skirt from Australian fashion brand, JAG. “It’s been super rewarding to give something back to the planet,” says Rachel Carter. Taking advantage of the Australian retailer’s Black Friday offers, she bought the dress at JAG’s newest store which has just opened in Double Bay. “It’s so nice to know that I can go to bed tonight knowing that Australia is well on the way to net zero,” she says. “I might also buy one of JAG’s linen tops next week.” She also…

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SKIN IN THE GAME: Man Now Only Socialising With People Who Have Crypto Portfolios Above $100k

CRYPTO CREW: A Sydney cryptocurrency enthusiast has announced a new plan to only spend time with people who are also heavily invested in digital currencies. “Time is money,” says James Tyler. “And the crypto market is open 24/7 so I don’t have time to sit around talking about bullshit things.” With a crypto portfolio currently worth $127k, Mr Tyler says he’s now only socialising with people who have portfolios above $100k. “We’re exchanging trading information and tips around the clock,” he says. “Socialising with anyone who isn’t heavily invested comes with a huge opportunity cost.” Some of James Tyler’s oldest…

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Tim Paine Walks Out Of Ch 7 Interview, As Journo Admits She Didn’t Read The Texts He Sent Her

NETWORK WOES: Channel 7 News has become the news once again, after another high profile guest dramatically walked out of an exclusive interview with the network. Former Australian test cricket captain Tim Paine was left visibly frustrated and offended when the reporter admitted she hadn’t read the text messages he sent her. “Stop wasting my time,” he told the reporter. “You call yourself a news organisation, but you can’t even do your basic research.” It comes only days after it was revealed pop star Adele walked out on an interview with Weekend Sunrise host Matt Doran after he admitted he…

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#BREAKING: Tim Paine Hired By Craig Kelly To Help Send Unsolicited Text Messages

SIDE HUSTLE: The former Australian cricket captain Tim Paine has secured employment as communications manager in the office United Australia Party (UAP) MP Craig Kelly. “We think Tim will be a real asset to the UAP in the lead up to next year’s election,” says Craig Kelly. “He’s got runs on the board when it comes to unsolicited text messages, which are a key part of our political advertising campaign.” It comes after Tim Paine resigned as captain of the Australian cricket team yesterday after sending a series of sexually charged text messages to a cricket staffer. “Alongside his cricket…

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Mum With 3 Kids, Dog & A Mortgage Posts ‘Throw Back’ Pic From When She Actually Had A Life

WAY BACK WHEN: A local mother of three has once again resorted to posting old photos of herself to make her life seem interesting on Instagram. Today Lara Clarke posted a photo of herself dancing and drinking at a pool party that took place more than 12 years ago, in the summer of 2009. In a completely transparent abuse of a dated internet trend, she hashtagged the photo,’#ThrowBackThursday.’ “I’ll be honest, I’ve got nothing else to post to my socials,” Lara Clarke admitted to DBT as she attempted to discipline three loud and annoying children. “Thanks to the pandemic, full-time…

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‘Dangerous Emissions’: PM To Achieve Net Zero By Not Shitting Himself At Engadine Maccas

SHIT PLAN: The Prime Minister has begun unveiling some much needed details about Australia’s plan to achieve net zero carbon emissions by 2050. “We all need to do everything we can to reduce harmful gas emissions,” says Scott Morrison. “And that includes me farting and shitting in my pants.” The PM famously shat himself at Engadine Maccas in the hours after the Cronulla Sharks lost the 1997 NRL Grand Final. “We know human faeces contains potentially dangerous levels of carbon dioxide and methane,” he says. “And that’s why all human waste must be appropriately deposited in toilets to flow safely…

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