Posts by DBT
Annastacia Palaszczuk Threatens Lockdown For QLD, After Not Being Invited Anywhere For NYE
SOCIAL DILEMMA: With New Year’s Eve only two days away, the Queensland Premier says a statewide lockdown is “still very much on the cards.” Annastacia Palaszczuk’s NYE threat comes amid surging covid case numbers in Queensland. But political insiders say there are other factors at play. “It’s because she’s just got nothing on over the holiday period,” claims QLD opposition leader Geoff Thomas. “Her social diary is completely clear. But I think she’d forget about any lockdown plan if she was invited out somewhere.” Ms Palaszczuk denies the claims, telling DBT; “I’m simply acting in the best interests of my…
Read MoreMan Questioned By Police After His Car Rego Expired While Waiting For A PCR Test
TESTING TIMES: Amid increasing delays at Sydney covid testing clinics, one driver has been cautioned after his car registration expired while waiting for a PCR test. As Dan Wright entered his sixth hour listening to podcasts while waiting in the long queue, police approached his vehicle to check his car rego. “It was a trap,” a frustrated Mr Wright claimed to DBT. “Police knew drivers’ regos here would expire because of the long lines.” Police gave Dan Wright a warning, but allowed him keep his unregistered vehicle in the queue and complete the PCR test. “We’ll let you off, just…
Read MoreEngland Cricketers Submit False Positive Covid Tests, In Desperate Bid To Cancel The Ashes
LAST HOPE: International cricket has been rocked by a new match fixing scandal. Seven members of England’s touring team have been found guilty of “rigging” rapid antigen covid tests to ensure they got a positive result. “It was their only hope of avoiding an embarrassing loss to Australia,” says cricket commentator Steve Gibbs. However the cunning plan backfired after someone from within England’s camp alerted match officials. “Subsequent PCR testing confirmed tHat no England players have the virus,” says Steve Gibbs. The International Cricket Council (ICC) says it will take no disciplinary action against the English cricket team. “The ICC…
Read MoreExtended family acting like they all love each other for one day of the year
NUMBERS GAME: A Sydney family is acting like a loving, cohesive unit, only because of certain numbers on a calendar, it’s been confirmed. The Riley family are reportedly burdened by several complex issues, with some family members having a deep hatred of each other. But not today. “I’ve been instructed to be polite and pleasant to everyone today,” says Todd Riley. “But I hate my mother in law. I have to pretend to like her even when she’s a huge bitch.” DBT understands Todd Riley and his wife’s parents never talk at any other time of the year. “But when…
Read MoreLocal Woman Unfollows Anyone On Instagram More Attractive Or Successful Than She Is
SAFE SPACE: A local woman is taking drastic action to reduce the anxiety she feels after checking her Instagram feed. “I’ve looked through all my followers and unfollowed – or muted – any of them who are hotter or wealthier than I am,” says Elle Brock. “It’s just so much easier this way.” The 32 year old claims most of the people she previously followed on Instagram are successful in life simply because “they got lucky.” “They were just in the right place at the right time,” she says. “I’m so sick of seeing their humble brag posts about their…
Read MoreMan Who Posted Covid Data Screenshot To His Insta Stories Awarded Pulitzer Prize For Journalism
DATA HACK: Sydney’s Reece Withers has been awarded journalism’s most prestigious prize for posting the daily covid numbers to his Instagram stories. “NSW Health would like to thank Mr Withers for his commitment to sharing important public health information,” said Premier Dominic Perrottet. “We need more people doing this so the broader public can be informed and updated.” It’s the first time the Pulitzer Prize has been won by someone who isn’t a journalist. “Actually, I’m just a random person who took a screenshot of the NSW Health website and posted it to my instagram stories,” Reece Withers told DBT.…
Read MoreLocal Drug Dealer Quits Selling Amphetamines And Moves Into Rapid Antigen Test Kits
QUICK FIX: A Sydney drug dealer is moving into the lucrative new black market for rapid antigen covid test kits. In an inner city warehouse, Marcus Shore says he currently has more than 12 thousand of the DIY at-home kits, with an estimated street value of $150,000. “The demand is huge at the moment,” Shore told DBT. “My clients can come here to my warehouse to buy them off me, but I’m also open to doing delivery.” The 31 year old also temporarily sold toilet paper when panic buying peaked last year. The new underground market for rapid covid kits…
Read MoreSAVING XMAS: Sydney Grandmother Announces Snap 3-Day Lockdown For All Extended Family
DICTATOR NAN: A local grandmother is taking drastic action to ensure a covid-free Christmas, as NSW case numbers continue to rise. 74 year old Helen Hudson is reportedly desperate for Christmas lunch to proceed as planned, so she’s announced a snap three-day lockdown for all extended family members. “I know these decisions are not going to be popular,” she wrote in the family WatsApp group. “But we must take all precautions to ensure the health and wellbeing of our family.” Under the snap lockdown, all Hudson family members are allowed out for one hour per day. “Please stay home, except…
Read MoreLocal Cocaine Users Overwhelm State Government’s Free Nose & Sinus Clearing Service
BACKED UP: Cocaine users around Sydney are turning out in droves to take advantage of the state government’s new complementary nose and sinus clearing service. “It’s great to see NSW Health offering this important service,” says one regular cocaine user. “They obviously see that we have a problem and are trying to rectify it.” The nose clearing clinic at Bondi in Sydney’s east is proving particularly popular, with wait times up to four hours. “It was a bit uncomfortable having those rods stuck up my nose, but they cleared me right out and now I’m totally ready for this weekend,”…
Read MoreLocal Real Estate Agent Updates Instagram Bio To ‘Public Figure,’ After Leasing A Mercedes C200
FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT: Local real estate agent Jason Berner has announced the next brave step in his 3 year career. The 28 year old has listed himself as a ‘public figure’ on Instagram after selling his old Toyota Rav 4, and leasing a white Mercedes C200. “I can’t afford to buy the Merc just yet, but I plan to as soon as my crypto portfolio recovers,” he told DBT. “Either way, it’s a huge step up from my old Toyota RAV 4.” Jason Berner’s bold move to ‘public figure’ status comes despite only having 213 followers. “Mark…
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