Posts by DBT
Victorian Premier Announces Lockdown For Melbourne While Novak Djokovic Is In Town
SPECIAL GUEST: Greater Melbourne will be plunged back into a two-week stage 4 lockdown while Novak Djokovic is in town for the Australian Open. The Serbian number 1 has won a medical exemption from Australian tennis officials, despite not being vaccinated. And, unfortunately it’s Melbourne residents who will be paying the price. “I know this decision to go back into lockdown will not a be popular one,” says Premier Dan Andrews. “But seeing as Novak remains unvaccinated, we need to take every precaution.” The lockdown will begin on January 16, when Djokovic arrives in Melbourne, and is set to be…
Read MoreMan Not Medically Well Enough For Vaccine, Well Enough To Play Australian Open: Report
NOVAX: A man with ‘medical issues’ preventing him from getting vaccinated, is apparently fit enough to defend his title at The Australian Open, it’s been revealed. Nine-time Australian Open champion and well-known anti-vaxxer Novak Djokovic has revealed he will compete in the tournament after getting a medical exemption. “Well, he’s the world’s best tennis player, so his medical issues cant be that bad to be honest,” says one commentator. “Either way, we wish him a speedy recovery from whatever his condition is.” The exemption has angered Sydney and Melbourne residents who have endured months of restrictions and lockdowns over the…
Read MoreLocal Woman Starts GoFundMe Page To Raise Money For A Rapid Antigen Test
RAPID APPEAL: A local woman trying to avoid a PCR test is asking the internet for help. Sarah Hamilton says she’s feeling run down and has started a GoFundMe page to raise $30 for a rapid antigen test from Edgecliff BP. “PCR is not an option at this stage due to the waiting times,” says the 32 year old. “Plus Covid cost me my hospitality job, so RAT tests are unfortunately out of reach for me financially. Please help!” Her GoFundMe campaign has already secured $24.84, just 10 hours after going online. “Yeah I should get the $30 dollars in…
Read More“We Can’t Hand Out Rapid Tests For Free,” Says PM Who Handed Out $89 Billion In JobKeeper
FULL STORY: The Prime Minister is continuing to resist pressure to provide rapid antigen tests for free, even as state testing regimes buckle. “I understand some people will get sick and possibly even die, and that’s a shame, but at least Harvey Norman is in decent shape,” says Scott Morrison. Most Australians, including those already financially crippled by covid, will have to keep forking out up to $90 for a pack of five rapid antigen tests. It comes despite the government spending $90 billion on the JobKeeper wage subsidy, even though many of the Australian companies which received it, didn’t…
Read More‘Influencer’ Signs Off Insta With: ‘Fu*k u 2021,’ Despite Earning More In Job Keeper Than In Entire Career
SIDE HUSTLE: A local ‘influencer’ has became the latest person to post an end of year tribute selfie. With 2,300 instagram followers, Joe Hewitson is also a ‘content creator’ operating as a sole trader. “Fu*k u 2021,” he captioned his selfie, despite this year being his most profitable year ever. The 24 year old earned $58,000 in Job Keeper payments in 2021, including a small business grant. Typically he only earns $19,000, as he does most of his work for free. With some savings now in the bank, Joe Hewitson says he’s ready to start scoping out fresh content creation…
Read More“I’m Not Going Out Tonight Due To Covid,” Says Man Who Wasn’t Invited Anywhere
HOME ALONE: For a second consecutive year, Neil Blunden is spending New Year’s Eve at home, alone. “Case numbers are exploding,” says the 38 year old. “I don’t want to risk it. That’s why I’m staying in again this year.” But one of his oldest friends has revealed the real reason Neil isn’t going out tonight. “It’s a bit awkward to be honest. He’s been working hard behind the scenes trying to get invited somewhere without any luck,” Sam Marsh told DBT exclusively. “Now all of a sudden he’s saying to people he’s not going out due to covid.” Neil Blunden…
Read More61% Of Sydney Residents Plan On Taking A Sleeping Pill Before 10.30pm Tonight: Report
KNOCKOUT BLOW: If you’re thinking of not doing anything tonight for New Year’s Eve, you’re not alone. A new report by consumer group Choice shows fear about exploding covid case numbers is leading unprecedented numbers of Sydney residents to take sleeping pills. “Our research shows 61% of Sydney-siders plan on taking a sleeping tablet before 10.30pm tonight,” says Choice’s Damien Sutton. “That’s up from a New Year’s Eve average of 8%.” Growing uncertainty around Omicron has led to the cancellation of thousands of parties. “There is literally no point being awake tonight,” says one man. “I’m going to pop a…
Read MoreNYE COVID CURFEW: QLD Premier Everyone Needs To Be Home By 10.30pm
FUN POLICE: The New Year’s Eve plans of millions of Brisbane residents have been thrown into disarray. The QLD state government has just announced a landmark New Year’s Eve curfew covering the Brisbane metropolitan area. “Anyone found roaming the streets after 10.30pm will be fined $107, says QLD Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk. “A heavy police presence will be out enforcing the curfew.” The Premier says the curfew will help contain new covid-19 transmissions. “…especially ones that would have occurred around midnight when thousands of people start kissing to bring in the new year.” “We don’t see any reason why anyone should…
Read MorePCR TEST HACK: Vaucluse Woman Hires Driver To Wait In Long Queue On Her Behalf
HIRED HELP: A local woman is going to extreme measures to avoid waiting up to six hours to get a PCR test. For $100 an hour, Jessica Clifford has hired a driver on Airtasker to do the waiting for her. “Best deal ever,” she told DBT. “He’s sitting there bored out of his brain in his hot car and I’m sitting at home reading a novel and watching Emily in Paris.” Ms Clifford has been deemed a close contact, but with rapid antigen test kits nearly impossible to come by, she’s been forced to get a PCR test. The Vaucluse…
Read MoreAnnastacia Palaszczuk Threatens Lockdown For QLD, After Not Being Invited Anywhere For NYE
SOCIAL DILEMMA: With New Year’s Eve only two days away, the Queensland Premier says a statewide lockdown is “still very much on the cards.” Annastacia Palaszczuk’s NYE threat comes amid surging covid case numbers in Queensland. But political insiders say there are other factors at play. “It’s because she’s just got nothing on over the holiday period,” claims QLD opposition leader Geoff Thomas. “Her social diary is completely clear. But I think she’d forget about any lockdown plan if she was invited out somewhere.” Ms Palaszczuk denies the claims, telling DBT; “I’m simply acting in the best interests of my…
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