PissFit: Fitness First now offering drinking endurance classes in preparation for silly season

NO PAIN, NO GAIN: With two weeks until Christmas, global gym chain Fitness First has begun offering new endurance based training classes. “Our new instructor-led PissFit programme aims to increase our members’ alcohol tolerance,” says gym CEO Miles Harris. “It’s never too late to start training.” Recent research shows 1 in 3 Australians drink to risky levels regularly, especially around this time of year. “But if we can train ourselves to drink often, in large quantities, we can eliminate the risks – and the hangovers – so we can make the most of our holidays.” Gym goers doing the classes…

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‘Take me to where White Lotus was filmed, or we’re over,’ says Vaucluse woman to her boyfriend of 3 weeks

HIGH MAINTENANCE: A Vaucluse woman has been applying some heavy pressure on her new boyfriend today, after the pair watched The White Lotus finale. Even though they’ve only been an item for 3 weeks, she’s demanding a trip to the Sicilian resort where HBO’s hit dark comedy was filmed. “OMG I love that resort, take me there now!” Renee Connelly told her new beau Jake. “We never do anything fun!” The resort called ‘San Domenico Palace’ has reportedly seen a spike in traffic to its website since the release of White Lotus season 2. “Can we go for a swim…

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Introvert delays leaving home by 5 minutes to avoid 10 second chat with his neighbour

TIME WELL SPENT: A Sydney introvert who was already running late for work today further delayed leaving his unit, in a desperate bid to avoid his neighbour. “I was about to go when I heard him in the hallway, so I waited inside my apartment for him to leave,” says Jeremy Yardley. “After a minute or so, I thought the coast was clear, but then he came back because he must’ve forgotten something.” It wasn’t until five minutes later when the 29 year old finally left his apartment. “It was worth the wait,” he told DBT. “He’s a good bloke,…

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Ronaldo forced to stand on Portugal team bus, as all the seats were already taken

LAST MAN STANDING: The world’s most famous soccer player has been humbled yet again today. Faced with a shortage of seats on Portugal’s team bus to training, Cristiano Ronaldo was left with no option but to stand for the entire seven minute trip. “This was my decision,” says team coach Fernando Santos. “I wanted to save the legs of my starting players for the game against Morocco on Sunday.” The 37 year old was this week dropped from Portugal’s starting lineup, amid frosty relations with the coach, as well as a slump in playing form. It’s understood the megastar tried…

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Ronaldo overlooked for selection in friendly 5 v 5 football game at Rushcutters Bay Park

DOWN & OUT: Things are going from bad to worse for the world’s most famous football player. Cristiano Ronaldo has been knocked back for a friendly game of 5 on 5 at Rushcutters Bay Park in Sydney’s east. “Sorry mate, we’ve got ten players already,” said one of the men, after Ronaldo asked if he could join the game. “But we’re most Wednesday afternoons if you want to try again next week.” It’s been a rocky ride for the 37 year old. This week he was dropped from Portugal’s starting lineup at the World Cup. And he’s been left without…

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‘Check out how hot I’d be if I looked completely different’ says man posting AI selfie

DEEP FAKE: An average looking man has staged a dramatic overhaul thanks to a complex AI image generation tool. Richard Lawson has joined the flood of social media users posting highly flattering anime-inspired photos created by the image editing app Lensa. “Fuck I look so good as an astronaut,” he told DBT. “All of a sudden I’m the splitting image of Ryan Gosling. How good!” Richard Lawson’s Instagram post featuring a carousel of 5 of his favorite Lensa images has so far only attracted 6 likes after three hours. “I might have been a bit slow onto the Lensa bandwagon,”…

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Cyclist shaves 1.34 seconds off lap of Centennial Park after switching to skin tight lycra

DRESSED TO THE NINES: A 69 year old cyclist has smashed his personal best time for a lap of Centennial Park thanks to a striking yellow & black body hugging lycra outfit. “The lycra makes me so much more aerodynamic and less susceptible to injury,” he says. “Believe it or not, I used to just wear normal shorts and a t-shirt.” This morning Roger Mapstead recorded 7 minutes and 14.31 seconds for the 3.7km course. But DBT understands it took him 12 minutes and 6 seconds just to squeeze his ample frame into his new outfit. And, like most cyclists,…

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Craig Foster hoping Ajdin Hrustic scores a goal, so he can flex his ethnic name pronunciation skills

TONGUE TWISTER: SBS football commentators are well-known for their passion and pronunciation. And, despite being of Anglo-Celtic descent, former Socceroo Craig Foster thrives on pronouncing even the most exotic and complex ethnic names. “Among the Socceroos at this World Cup, I’ve got my eye on Garang Kuol and defender Milos Degenek,” says Foster. “But honestly, I’m really hoping Ajdin Hrustic gets on the score sheet against Argentina.” “I just love the way the ‘H’ blends into the ‘R’” says the former Socceroo. Ajdin Hrustic was born in Australia, but carries the ethnic surname of his Bosnian father. “If Hrustic scores…

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“Yes, we won!” shouts former private school boy who used to bash anyone who played soccer

CHANGE OF HEART: The 1998 captain of the Scots College 1st XV Rugby team is today jumping on the soccer bandwagon after the Socceroos World Cup victory against Denmark. “How good are the Socceroos!?” shouted Miles McKenzie, in the early hours of this morning as he watched the game that saw Australia book a place in the round of 16. “I can’t believe we beat Denmark. I’m so proud of our boys.” But it was a very different story back in his toxic private school boy days when rugby ruled, and when he’d verbally and physically abuse anyone who played…

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Misleading & deceptive: Bondi Junction man claiming to live in ‘Bondi’

IMPOSTER: It’s the one question Jye Coulman always loves being asked: “Where do you live?” His answer always comes quickly and enthusiastically: “I live in Bondi.” But an investigation by DBT has revealed the 29 year old actually lives more than 3 kilometres away from Bondi. His apartment in Ebley street lies deep within Bondi Junction’s borders – a 2 minute walk to the Westfield centre – but a 30 minute walk from Bondi Beach. “Oh whatever, ‘Bondi’ & ‘Bondi Junction’ are basically the same things,” claims Coulman. “The ‘Junction’ part is nether here nor there.” “Besides, I’m always at…

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