Posts by DBT
Couple who’ve never been able to keep a house plant alive, now considering having a baby
PLANT PARENTHOOD: A local couple are considering embarking on the next stage of their parenting career. Ben and his wife Pip Norman have had have a long and tragic history of being unable to keep even the hardiest houseplants alive. From succulents to spider plants, they’ve unintentionally murdered every botanical being that has had the misfortune of crossing their threshold. Now, against all odds, the couple is mulling over the idea of having a baby. “We’ve been practicing on plants for years,” said Ben, staring at the crispy remains of what was once a lush Boston fern. “But maybe we…
Read MoreMargaret restaurant Double Bay now rejecting anyone who didn’t go to private school
RIGHT CROWD: In a controversial move, popular Neil Perry restaurant Margaret has announced a ban on anyone who was a student within Australia’s public school system. “Margaret is not just a fine dining establishment, says Perry. “It’s a lifestyle.” “We need to make sure we’re attracting the right crowd, and also keeping the riff raff out.” Patrons must now prove they went to private school to make a booking. And door staff are checking school records of those without bookings, to ensure they also meet the criteria. “I think it’s a great initiative,” one former Kambala student told DBT. “My parents…
Read More“Sugar is toxic” claims nutritionist with silicone breast implants & face full of botox
BITTER SWEET: A self-described ‘nutritionist’ with lips and breasts filled with harsh chemicals has added her voice to the ‘sugar is toxic’ movement. Sydney’s Linley Brulia is backing up scientific research showing that sugar has harmful effects on the metabolism and can contribute to the development of disease. “Recent studies show evidence linking sugar consumption with breast cancer,” she says. “People who put sugar on their cereal have no idea what they’re doing to their bodies.” Even without any formal qualifications, the Double Bay ‘nutritionist’ has her own ‘anti-sugar’ YouTube channel. At the end of a healthy week of eating…
Read More#BREAKING: ‘The North Face’ announced as official sponsor of The Australian Labor Party
UNEXPECTED ALLIANCE: The Australian Labor Party has today announced an unprecedented sponsorship deal with outdoor clothing and gear brand The North Face. “We’re really excited to have the backing of such a well-known brand,” says NSW Premier Chris Minns, who spent his first full day in the job yesterday in a North Face vest. Talk of a sponsorship deal first arose in 2020 when Labor’s Victorian Premier Dan Andrews wore a North Face jacket to virtually every one of his daily Covid press conferences. Chris Minns acknowledges that wearing heavily branded clothing items to media engagements may not seem professional.…
Read More‘Are we still on for tonight?’ texts man desperately hoping to cancel
CANCEL CULTURE: A local man resorted to deceptive and manipulative text message tactics yesterday, in a desperate bid to cancel an arrangement with a friend. “I was tired and hungover from the night before and really just wanted to stay home last night after work,” says Tim Reynolds. “The only problem is that I canceled our plans last time, so this time I wanted him to cancel.” Feigning enthusiasm, Reynolds opened the text exchange by sending ‘Are we still on for tonight?’ “After five minutes he hadn’t replied,” says Reynolds. “So I followed up with ‘No stress if you can’t…
Read MoreBRUTAL DUMPING: MAFS producers reveal Duncan used ChatGPT to write his final vows
FINAL FAREWELL: MAFS fans watched Duncan dump his wife Alyssa during final vows last night, & today it’s been revealed his speech was written entirely by artificial intelligence. “Duncan was really confused about what to say to wife Alyssa,” a MAFS producer told DBT. “He also couldn’t be bothered writing it, so he used ChatGPT to do it for him.” DBT understands Duncan asked the AI chat bot to: ‘Write a short speech to my wife announcing that I’m leaving her.’ Alyssa was left heartbroken by the AI generated speech, and she walked away crying. But Duncan remained largely void…
Read MoreAustralia’s peak science body demands the Nine Network stop calling MAFS an ‘experiment’
LAB RATS: Australia’s peak science body issued an ultimatum to the Nine Network. The CSIRO is demanding Nine stop referring to its toxic reality TV show, Married at First Sight as an ‘experiment.’ “We believe this is a misleading and deceptive way to describe the show,” says a CSIRO spokesperson. “There is no science involved, and certainly no experiment. It’s more like straight up torture, for both the cast members and the audience.” MAFS claims to involve matching strangers based on complex compatibility assessments conducted by relationship experts, who say the word ‘experiment’ every few seconds. But in reality its…
Read MoreLocal woman launches own activewear brand, purely so she can appear as the model in promotional photos
TIME TO SHINE: A Double Bay woman is taking a giant leap into the crowded activewear industry, launching her own brand called All About Me. “It’s kind of like P.E Nation meets Lululemon,” says Audrey Blunt. “But my brand is a bit different because it uses bold colours and the fabric is ultra-stretchy and sweat-wicking.” Ms Blunt has today released the first photos of her activewear, featuring herself as the model, despite having no modelling experience. “I’ve tried modelling in the past, with little success,” she told DBT. The 29 year old also has no experience in manufacturing, fashion or sales,…
Read MoreLow voter turnout in Sydney for state election, amid heavy traffic and fuck all parking
ROAD BLOCK TO DEMOCRACY: Heavy traffic and a desperate lack of parking options in Sydney thanks to the city’s chronic over development, is threatening to derail today’s state elections. Sydney’s gridlock and sub-standard public transport system has meant that by 10.30am today, only 0.45% of Sydney’s population had managed to cast their vote. “We are well behind schedule at this stage,” says election official Chris Gammat. “A lot of commuters are simply giving up. They’re turning around and going home. Or they’re not leaving home in the first place.” And they’ll have to pay a $55 fine for not voting.…
Read MoreEXCLUSIVE: Proud BMW umbrella user, revealed as owner of 2014 Suzuki Swift
BROLLY BRO: Heavy rainfall in Sydney this afternoon allowed one local man to flaunt his favourite umbrella. Dillon Hanley has been using a brolly emblazoned with several large BMW logos. However DBT can reveal the 29 year old insurance salesman doesn’t own a BMW, and never has. “He drives a second hand 2014 Suzuki Swift, worth under $10,000,” confirms one of his friends, who asked to remain anonymous. “But he loves it when it rains so he can bring out his brolly.” A DBT photographer has today taken a photo of Dillon Hanley with his Suzuki in his driveway. “When…
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