Posts by DBT
Mother spends $45k on son’s b’day party, in desperate bid to make up for her own non-existent social life
TIME TO SHINE: A Rose Bay woman is accused of hijacking her own 4 year old son’s birthday, as a thinly veiled excuse to gain credibility among her local community. Irene Hudson pulled out all stops, hosting an extravagant $45,000 birthday party on Sunday, including a petting zoo, a bouncy castle, and a live performance by the Wiggles. “Irene is desperately trying to get back into the local social scene,” one guest told DBT. “She’s joined book clubs, yoga classes, and even tried online gaming to find friends, but nothing ever sticks.” Guests say even the party invitations were a…
Read More‘You left the toilet seat up!’ yells woman who left entire bathroom looking like a war zone
BATHROOM BATTLEFIELD: A local woman is being accused of having double standards after lashing out at her boyfriend for allegedly leaving the toilet seat up. Amid her rage, Kate Garrick strategically ignored the fact that she’d left the bathroom resembling a war zone again following her extensive morning cosmetic routine. “She’s an utter disgrace,” her boyfriend told DBT. “Our bathroom looks like a tornado swept through the Maybelline factory or something.” “Sure, I left the seat up, but look at what I have to deal with!” he said, gesturing to the hundreds of make-up and personal care products randomly strewn…
Read MoreBondi woman still basing her entire personality on going to Coachella six years ago
FORMER GLORY: While Jasmine Turner couldn’t get to Coachella this year, she’s been posting a steady stream of throwback photos from her time there six years ago. “It was such a life changing experience for me,” the PR account executive told DBT. “I think I’m still feeling the effects, haha.” The 32 year old Bondi woman says the music and arts festival in Southern California re-shaped her views on life and reality when she went there as a 26 year old. “I became a part of Coachella, and Coachella became a part of me,” she says. But Jasmine’s friends say…
Read MoreLocal stoner dies of starvation after grocery delivery service Milkrun shuts down
TRAGIC COLLAPSE: The sudden closure of popular delivery company Milkrun has led to unexpected tragedy. Tributes are flowing in for Bondi stoner Jean-Marc Hume, who reportedly endured days without any food or drink after trying and failing to place orders on the Milkrun app. “He was found unresponsive in his apartment and was extremely dehydrated,” say doctors. “He was rushed to hospital, but unfortunately couldn’t be saved.” It’s understood the 31 year old had been relying exclusively on Milkrun for all his grocery needs, as he refused to leave his apartment to go shopping. “He’d previously used Voly and Send…
Read MoreSYDNEY RENTAL CRISIS: Long Bay jail now offering rooms for $450 per week
EASY CELL: Sydney’s ongoing rental crisis has taken an unexpected turn, as Long Bay Correctional Centre begins renting out cells for a mere $450 per week. With rental prices skyrocketing, the prison is taking advantage of the demand, turning itself into a makeshift apartment complex for those desperate to find a place to live. “These rooms have excellent security and are situated only 14 kilometres from Sydney’s CBD,” says prison management. “Plus we’re offering three meals a day and a state of the art gym at no extra charge.” Long Bay officials say the new offering is strictly for non-criminal…
Read More“I’m on a seven figure salary,” says man who includes figures after decimal point
CREATIVE COUNTING: A local man has been discredited after intentionally inflating his salary. Friends and colleagues of Adrian Marks say the entry level sales associate had become well known for regularly telling people that he’s ‘on seven figures.’ “He often said it,” says one of his friends. “But he was always very reluctant to specify what those seven figures actually were.” “It seemed suspicious as he’s only been out of university for two years.” A DBT investigation has revealed the 27 year old’s annual salary to be $69,127.81, a relatively average income for a sales person with two years experience.…
Read MoreDouble Bay man applies to go on Survivor after completing a 45 minute hike in the Blue Mountains
OUTWIT, OUTPLAY, OUTLAST: An Easter long weekend road trip to the Blue Mountains has triggered hopes of reality TV stardom for one local man. “I went to Leura to meet my new girlfriend’s parents and on Sunday we also did a hike, which – to be honest – I found quite easy,” says Marcus Belford. Armed with a North Face puffer jacket, an asthma spray and a carbon-fiber selfie stick, the 32 year old derivatives trader finished the 1.2 km trail “without any problems at all.” He documented his “life changing” hike on Instagram, captioning one photo: “Climbing a mountain…
Read MoreRBA boss spotted enjoying shorter queues at this year’s Easter Show, as few people can afford to go
FAST PASS: The Reserve Bank of Australia (RBA) Governor was seen galavanting around the Royal Easter Show today, making the most of much shorter than normal queues. When Philip Lowe was asked by a DBT reporter about unprecedented inflation and soaring cost of living affecting families nationwide, he responded: “Let’s focus on the silver lining.” “It only took 5 minutes to line up for the Haunted House, and 3 minutes for the dodgem cars.” The Royal Easter Show entry fee this year is $47 and with food, transport and showbags costing a small fortune, these days it’s an experience reserved…
Read More‘Rupert dumped me because I couldn’t keep up with him in bed,’ reports Murdoch press
STAYING POWER: It was Rupert Murdoch’s insatiable energy and sexual prowess that led to him dumping his latest fiance, according to News Corp media outlets. “Rupert is so good looking and I’m very sexually attracted to him,” Ann Lesley Smith, 66, is quoted as saying in The Australian newspaper. “But unfortunately I just couldn’t keep up with him in the bedroom.” He’s like the energiser bunny.” Last month Murdoch announced plans to marry Ms Smith, a dental hygienist turned conservative radio host. “I tried everything to keep up with him,” Smith is quoted as saying in The Daily Telegraph “Energy…
Read MoreHarrison from MAFS announced as new brand ambassador for Gaslight Pharmacy, Rose Bay
NAMESAKE: After a tumultuous time on Married At First Sight, 33 year old Harrison Boon became well-known for his gaslighting tactics. But despite that, the manipulative groom has managed to secure a lucrative sponsorship deal with a popular local chemist. “I’m new new face of Gaslight Pharmacy in Rose Bay,” Boon told DBT. “I’m super proud to be joining the team.” A day after the final episode of the hit reality TV show went to air, Harrison Boon was seen in a suit outside the pharmacy, welcoming customers. “I’m still hoping to land an endorsement deal with a major sporting brand like…
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