Posts by DBT
Man applies to go on Australian Ninja Warrior, after managing to avoid all the food delivery riders on Darlinghurst Rd
URBAN NINJA: In a stunning display of agility, balance and sharp reflexes, a Sydney pedestrian has defied all odds by not getting hit by a food delivery rider last night. The impressive feat happened at around 7.15pm on Darlinghurst Road which was flooded with riders during the peak dinner delivery time. “It wasn’t easy,” says Michael Stanley. “It starts with good vision. I scanned the entire area for oncoming riders, then I used my timing, anticipation and quick side step.” “You have to be careful as most riders aren’t even looking where they’re going. Instead they’re focused on their mobile…
Read MoreMan who relies on work for social activity, relieved his colleagues are being forced back into the office
WORKMATES: A Sydney man with no friends outside of his job is celebrating his employer’s return to the office policy. “Finally, someone to talk to face to face!” says Geoff Tanner, whose social life consists entirely of forced small talk with colleagues and awkward office parties. The impact of Covid on the 33 year old’s social life has been much greater than for the average person. His contact with people during lockdowns was limited to work-related Zoom calls. But now his employer has announced that all staff must work at least 3 days per week in the office. “Actually I’ll…
Read MoreColleagues in same colour blazers use the ‘coincidence’ as flimsy excuse to post a selfie
TWINNING: A pair of Sydney office workers are once again digging deep for reasons to post photos of themselves to Instagram. The colleagues both wore red blazers to work, claiming it was a coincidence. “Suddenly they got up from their desks and began posing for photos,” one witness told DBT. “Even if it was a coincidence, it’s still very fucking cringe.” Both women posted the same image to their Instagram, tagging each other, and using the same caption: ‘#DreamTeam.’ However further investigation has revealed they don’t even work in the same department. “One works in marketing and the other works…
Read More“Never give strangers your phone number,” says mum who shares home address on FB marketplace
SECURITY FLAW: A Sydney mum is dishing out some contradictory security advice to her teenage daughters. “Never give strangers your phone number,” says mother Heather Stanley. “And always make your instagram account private.” “If you don’t, creepy men might follow you and then find you.” Her view is at odds with the fact that she gives out the home address willy nilly to strangers on Facebook marketplace. “Yes but that’s different,” says Heather Stanley. “The strangers on Facebook marketplace are coming over to buy things.” Ms Stanley’s daughter appears confused about how $10 for an old shirt warrants sharing their…
Read MoreMan uses Bondi Local Loop to find flatmate who could maybe one day also be his girlfriend
DESPERATE TIMES, DESPERATE MEASURES: A local man is taking advantage of Sydney’s rental crisis by renting out his spare room, in a last ditch bid to find a girlfriend. Mark Kennedy posted an ad on Bondi Local Loop asking for a “fit female, 24 – 35 y.o,” to share his North Bondi apartment with. “I haven’t listed a rental price,” he told DBT. “I’m flexible on rent depending on the quality of the applicant. To be honest, I don’t even need the money.” The 33 year old is asking all applicants for a photo of themselves before allowing them to…
Read More#BREAKING: Kyle Sandilands dumped at altar, in cruel radio stunt against him for KIIS 1065
SHOCKED JOCK: Kyle Sandilands has been on the receiving end of an elaborate radio stunt at his wedding. During the vows, the controversial shock jock was left red faced when his ‘fiance’ Tegan Kynaston said “I do not,” instead of “I do.” “Our three year relationship was just a prank from day one,” says Ms Kynaston. “The stunt was organised by Jacki O. We got him good. haha!” DBT understands Sandilands’ wedding party and the Prime Minister knew of the hoax, but other guests were taken by surprise when Sandilands left the venue in embarrassment. He was unavailable for comment.…
Read MoreMatteo restaurant now requiring all waiters to complete a photography course
I’LL HAVE THE SNAPPER THANKS: One of Sydney’s most popular restaurants has begun putting all its waitstaff through an intensive three week photography course. “It’s not optional,” says Bryce Farthing, the manager of Matteo in Double Bay. “Taking high quality photos is an important part of our waiters’ job description.” The goal is for the restaurant to appear in as many social media posts as possible. “Too often our waiters were taking average quality photos,” says Bryce Farthing. “So we thought, let’s give them photography training so they can ensure our patrons have some quality content to post.” The waiters…
Read MoreMan who found out painting costs $155k, briefly acting like he can still afford it
HIGH ROLLER: A Sydney man visiting an upmarket art gallery today tried to pretend a painting worth $155,000 is not out of his reach. Lyle Stubbs was looking at the abstract red painting when he called over a gallery assistant to enquire about cost. “If I’m honest, I thought it’d be worth about $500 dollars,” the 32 year old later admitted to DBT. But he tried to remain unfazed when finding out he was off the mark by $154,500. He reportedly took a deep breath, then adjusted his posture and attempted to channel the spirit of a high society art…
Read MoreMan accused of going to Anzac Day Dawn Service directly from Club 77
BRAZEN BENDER: A local man has raised eyebrows at the Anzac Day Dawn Service at Martin Place this morning, due to his casual attire and extreme mouth movements. Jason Gurner admits to coming straight from a large night at Club 77 nearby, and to having zero sleep last night. “I was really excited to come and pay my respects to service men and women, both past and present,” he told DBT. “And it’s easy to be up at 4am for the service if you don’t go to bed.” Witnesses told DBT that he was acting respectfully during the service. “But…
Read MoreRBA SHAKE-UP: Central bank now using a Powerball machine to determine interest rates
NUMBERS GAME: A scathing review of the Reserve Bank has led to a controversial new way for the institution to determine the nation’s cash rate. The RBA has announced that from next month, it will use a Powerball machine to set interest rates, sparking both intrigue and concern in the financial world. “We’ve tried meticulous research and analysis by economists, but it hasn’t worked,” says RBA Governor Philip Lowe. “We think it’s time to try something a little different in a bid to give borrowers more clarity.” Mr Lowe has been widely criticised after saying in 2021 that interest rates…
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