Posts by DBT
Couple who spent 3 hours choosing TV show, both scrolling Instagram after 11th minute
SPOILT FOR CHOICE: A frustrated and exhaustive three hour search of Netflix, Stan and Binge has ended in misery for one couple this evening. After just 11 minutes into a humourless ‘comedy’ show, both Pete Havas and his girlfriend Gabi started aimlessly scrolling Instagram. “This movie is so bad,” Gabi told her boyfriend. “Did you check the reviews on this before putting it on?” Pete Havas replied, without even looking up from his phone. “No, but maybe there’s something good on Paramount Plus?” The couple continued to ignore the show, and each other, as they scrolled their social media accounts.…
Read MoreMan under investigation after going overseas without posting a selfie at the departures sign
BORDER PATROL: A Sydney man is being questioned by police and immigration officials after failing to post the obligatory departures sign photo before going overseas. “This is uncharted territory for us,” says NSW Police Commissioner Karen Webb. “At this stage the man is under arrest, but no charges have been laid.” Immigration officials have confirmed that Mark Reynolds’ passport shows he did in fact travel to Rome last month. “But we’ve combed all his social media accounts to find no photo of him in front of the departures sign at Sydney airport,” says Karen Webb. “The concern is that he’s avoiding drawing…
Read More‘Working on a new project, but can’t say much yet!’ says woman who paid for a photo shoot
SOFT LAUNCH: A local woman has taken the first brave step in her career as an entrepreneur. Nikki Brenner hired a professional photographer to get a range of headshots of herself. “I can’t believe this is actually all happening now,” says Brenner. “I’ve been dreaming about this stuff for years.” The 28 year old says she has a few business ideas “in the pipeline,” including a skin care line, an innovative dating app, and a sustainable plastics company. “I’m also considering becoming an influencer. I’m not 100% sure which way I’m going to go, but I’m getting all my headshots…
Read MoreSeven Network announce Ben Roberts-Smith as a contestant on the next season of SAS Australia
BACK ON THE FRONT LINE: The Seven Network continues to stand by its controversial Queensland managing director Ben Roberts-Smith. The decorated war criminal has this evening been announced as a contestant on season two of Seven’s reality TV show SAS Australia. “It’ll be great to have an actual former special forces soldier on SAS Australia,” says Seven West Chairman Kerry Stokes. It comes as the Federal Court today found that Ben Roberts-Smith was a war criminal and murderer, involved in unlawful killing and assault of unarmed Afghan prisoners. “We initially had Ben as an instructor on the show,” says Mr…
Read MoreBusiness coaches now outnumber business owners: Report
HUSTLE CULTURE: A new report has confirmed a rapid and worrying expansion in the number of people offering ‘business coaching’ services. The Australian Bureau of Statistics analysed census data to find the number of business coaches now outnumbering business owners. “Data shows 544,978 Australians listing their primary occupation as ‘business coach,’ compared to 521,235 ‘business owner,’” says the ABS’s Simon Tyson. The influx of coaches comes as increasing numbers of failed start up entrepreneurs decide they’ve got what it takes to post videos of themselves spruiking generic business advice. “The reality is that if they were really that good at…
Read MoreNSW Premier announces the launch of ‘Vivid, South West Sydney’
KALEIDOSCOPE OF COLOUR: With ‘Vivid Sydney’ now well underway, the state government has launched an extension of the iconic festival of lights, technology & arts. “It’s called ‘Vivid, South West Sydney,’” says Premier Chris Minns. “I’ve always wanted Vivid to extend beyond Sydney’s central business district.” “Residents of south west Sydney appreciate artistic things too.” Event organisers have put 50 police cars on the M5 motorway with their lights flashing, and sirens sounding. The installation stretches for around 200 metres between Liverpool and Moorebank. “It’s an awe-inspiring, immersive experience to remember,” says the Premier. “And it’s completely free of charge.”…
Read More“Let’s catch up sometime,” says former colleague you never even spoke to when working together
DIGGING DEEP: A chance encounter in the street between two former colleagues has led to a completely unwarranted suggestion by one of them to “catch up sometime.” “It caught me by surprise,” Angela Hill told DBT. “It’s a bit rich to call it a “catch up” when you’ve literally never met them before.” Ms Hill and her former colleague suggesting the catch up worked together at Deloitte more than seven years ago. But they were in different departments and reportedly never even spoke once. “I think the closest interaction we ever had at work was an awkward nod in the…
Read MoreNation’s boomers in disarray, as Kochie’s retirement means they won’t know what to think anymore
AT A LOSS: It’s the news many Australians were simply not prepared for. Today veteran Channel 7 host David Koch announced that he is quitting Sunrise, and it’s triggered mass confusion and hysteria among the nation’s boomers. “It’s very unsettling to be honest,” says one 68 year old. “I still don’t know how to use the internet so I get all my news and views from Sunrise.” David Koch is well known for his no nonsense approach to offering life advice on everything from finance to breastfeeding. “This will be the first time in decades that I’ll have to form…
Read MoreDisgruntled boyfriends & husbands across Sydney lament the return of Vivid
LIVID: In a collective groan heard across Sydney, boyfriends and husbands citywide are once again preparing themselves for the annual spectacle that is Vivid. The 23 day festival of light, music and ideas begins tonight, and local man Tom Phipps is among those being forced to go. “My wife won’t take no for an answer,” he says. “It’s always such a punish to scramble there after work in the freezing cold and navigate hoards of annoying kids just to see colourful lights. It doesn’t do it for me.” “I might just watch the footy on my phone the whole time.” Those…
Read MoreVivid Sydney 2023 off to a spectacular start in Surry Hills: Report
LIT: The organisers of Vivid Sydney 2023 say they’re very happy with how the opening night played out in Surry Hills. “Our idea to set alight a vacant seven story building was very experimental,” say event organisers. “But the result was spectacular.” Hundreds of art lovers gathers to watch the inferno, which began near Central Station at around 4pm today. “The smoke and fire alarms really added to the effect, it was super artistic,” said one onlooker. “I cant wait to check out all the other installations around the city.” An estimated 2.6 million people are expected to see 50…
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