Posts by DBT
#BREAKING: Donald Trump Revealed As 35% Shareholder In Dettol
The Trump Empire extends further than you may think. The organisation, with annual revenues of around $600 million, is primarily involved in real estate development and property management. But a new investigation shows the Trump Organisation also has a 35% state in British cleaning supplies brand Reckitt Benckiser, the makers of Dettol. The revelations by the American Equities Research Association (AERA) follow much ridiculed comments by the US President, Donald Trump. In a White House press briefing on Friday, Mr Trump suggested that injecting disinfectant, like Dettol, could be used to treat Coronavirus. “These comments sound like a joke, but…
Read MoreRichard Branson Gives Sacked Cabin Crew Free Passes To Virgin Active
Billionaire businessman Richard Branson is taking steps to ease the pain being felt by Virgin Australia cabin crew and other staff who have lost their jobs. “We’re sad and sorry to see so many staff being made redundant,” says Branson. “So we’re offering them each 2 day passes to Virgin Active.” It follows Virgin Australia being placed into administration on Tuesday after a decade of near-continuous losses, owing creditors $6.8 billion. The gym day passes are normally worth $24 each. But the staff say they’re of little value, with all gyms – including Virgin Active – being closed due to…
Read MorePub Closures Lead Federal Government To Urge Australian Families To Play Two-Up At Home
The federal government says the closure of all pubs and clubs around the country should not stop Australians from playing two-up this Anzac day. The gaming minister is urging Australian families to play at home. “This is an important Anzac Day Tradition,” says minister Duncan Hazzard. “It’s a tribute to Aussie diggers that we must maintain, even in isolation.” Canberra has issued a set of guidelines to ensure that families ‘gamble responsibly.’ “We’re happy for children to get involved,” says Duncan Hazzard. “But please ensure children under 18 do not consume any alcohol.” Canberra has also capped Anzac Day losses…
Read More‘Crowds Here Are Massive Compared To Super Rugby Games’ Admits Raelene Castle At Centrelink
One day after resigning as Rugby Australia CEO, Raelene Castle has begun the arduous task of applying for the federal government’s job seeker payment. “I can’t believe how many people are here,” Castle told a DBT reporter as she entered her 3rd hour in the queue at Centrelink. “It feels lining up for a Rugby match back when people actually used to care about Rugby.” Small crowds, dwindling ratings, no broadcast deal from 2021 and a messy handling of the of the Israel Folau saga combined to force Castle to fall on her sword. “I’ve got no idea what I’m…
Read MoreRichard Branson Applies For Federal Government’s JobSeeker Payment
From his private island in the Caribbean, Richard Branson is attempting to apply for the JobSeeker payment on the Centrelink website. “This is so complex,” he told DBT. “I’ve given Centrelink a call but I’ve been on hold for hours already.” The billionaire businessman claims he qualifies for the $1100 fortnightly payment after Virgin Australia went into administration this week, costing around 8000 jobs so far. “I tried to get the Australian government to bail Virgin out of trouble with no luck,” he says. “Now I’m back on the fucking phone trying to get some assistance for myself.” Branson is…
Read MoreVirgin Australia Announces Plan To Move Into Food Home Delivery Business
Administrators for the embattled airline Virgin Australia have tonight announced a plan to move into the food delivery business. “We’re delivering airline food trays to households around Australia,” says Dean Pemberton, an administrator from Deloitte. “We have several meal packages to choose from.” Australian consumers will be able to order breakfast, lunch or dinner off airline menus currently on the Virgin Australia website. Administrators say its a short term strategy to keep the airline afloat. “As the coronavirus lockdown continues, there’s an opportunity to sell airline food and use our existing cabin crew to deliver it,” says Dean Pemberton. “Velocity…
Read MoreMan Arrested At Bondi For Wearing Budgie Smugglers
Two police officers have staged a dramatic arrest of a man for wearing red budgie smugglers at Bondi. “It wasn’t even that hot,” says one of the arresting officers Simon Greenhill. “This kind of behaviour is completely unacceptable.” Dimitri Moskovich is well known by Bondi locals for doing vigorous exercise in public places, and for always wearing his signature red budgie smugglers. “We’ve actually been watching this man for years,” says officer Greenhill. “He’s 54 now, he should have quit wearing budgie smugglers many years ago.” Dimitri Moskovich initially resisted the arrest shouting: “Fuck off you dirty pigs, I can…
Read MoreNewtown IGA Introduces Chickpea Buying Limit Of One Tin Per Customer
Newtown IGA has announced tough new restrictions aimed at preventing grocery hoarding. From tomorrow, customers will be limited to purchasing only one tin of chickpeas each. “We’re implementing these new restrictions to help ease ongoing chickpea shortages,” says supermarket owner Peter Makari. “We’ve had intense chickpea panic buying here since the start of the Covid-19 crisis.” The nutrient dense legume is used as a popular meat substitute for vegetarians, and its an important ingredient in hummus. “We’ve been consistently out of stock for weeks,” says Peter Makari. DBT also understands that falafel prices are currently going ballistic. Newtown IGA already…
Read MoreWho Magazine To Change Its Name After ‘Being Embarrassed’ By World Health Organisation (WHO)
Celebrity news and gossip magazine ‘Who’ will change its name after being embarrassed by the World Health Organisation’s response to COVID-19. “The World Health Organisation is an absolute joke,” says Who magazine publisher Guy Griffin. “We don’t want to risk anyone thinking we may be associated with them.” The World Health Organiation is facing global condemnation for parroting Beijing’s early stance on the coronavirus outbreak and for failing to do any of its own research. Today US President Donald Trump announced a withdrawal of funding to the World Health Organisation after the UN body said it would support the reopening…
Read More#BREAKING: Sky News’ Andrew Bolt Appointed Head Of Australia’s Catholic Church
Sky News commentator Andrew Bolt has taken the next brave step in his career. Just hours after his exclusive TV interview with Cardinal George Pell last night, Bolt was appointed head of the Catholic Church in Australia. “We’re really excited to have Andrew on board,” says George Pell. “He’s an excellent journalist and he’ll be a real asset as leader of the Church.” During the interview last night, Andrew Bolt again repeated his loyal support for Pell, saying there is no way Pell sexually abused choir boys. “George is a great Australian,” says Bolt. “And the Catholic Church is a…
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